Rotarians inspired by a talk on human relationships
Shri Shubha Vilas Das
Shri Shubha Vilas Das holds a Bachelor’s degree in Electronics and Telecommunications as well as an L.L.B. (specialising in Intellectual Property Law). His career began with the Tata Group and he later moved to an international law firm in Bangalore. He has served society in numerous ways. One of his many roles is counselling and guiding students in the areas of leadership, overcoming failures and managing stress at various colleges such as IISC, Bangalore; BITS Pilani, Goa; Jamnalal Bajaj Institute of Management Studies and Sydenham Institute of Management Studies.
He also conducts courses for Management students based on the learnings from the Ramayana. He has authored a series of books published by Jaico Publishing known as Ramayana —The Game of Life. These books contain stories from the epic Ramayana that impart lessons for a fruitful and content contemporary life.
Before starting the talk, Shri Shubha Vilas recited a prayer and expressed his gratitude towards the Club for letting him share his ideas with them. He began by giving Rotarians tips on how to handle human relationships. He said, “The one thing that everybody in this world needs is to give love and experience love and naturally, the process of giving and receiving love is what is called a relationship today. It is said that relationships are like a bird; if you squeeze it too much, it dies and if you leave it free, it flies. If you give it love and affection, it stays.
On one hand, in a desire to develop strong relationships, people squeeze a relationship so badly, the other person wants to run away from it. On the other hand, in order to have a relationship based on freedom and space, we spend such little time with the other person that the relationship dies altogether. Whether it is in a family or friendship; a corporate setup or the community at large, relationships are what make people.”
He proceeded to share what he calls the secrets of a lasting relationship. He explained, “The first secret is to focus on the goal and not on your role. Most times in life, we forget to see the bigger picture and make ourselves the big picture. Instead of focusing on the goal of a relationship, one starts focusing on one’s own role, and once the role becomes prominent, the goal is forgotten. When you try to make yourself the big picture, you forget the biggest picture and that is why relationships meet a tragic end. Let me share a story from the Ramayana with you to explain this better. When the monkey army is in search of Mother Sita, they come across an 800-mile sea which has to be crossed and while the monkeys bragged about their powers, Hanuman remained silent. It is here that Jambavan intervened and convinced Hanuman of his powers and directed him towards his goals. One hardly sees a mention of Jambavan in Ramayana from this point, but had he focused on his role and not the bigger goal, the goal would never have been achieved. From the world’s point of view, Hanuman is the hero, but from his point of view, Jambavan is the real hero as had he not inspired Hanuman to tap into his potential, he would never have realised it for himself. Relationships are essentially in three categories — the first is where you like to be independent, the second is where you like to be dependent but the third and the ideal type is where one is ready to be interdependent.
“The second secret is the four As of a relationship. The first A is acceptance. When we know that someone has skills, abilities and resources and exploit the person completely, the relationship dies and we lose that person forever. It is important to only accept what and how much you deserve to receive from the person to ensure that the relationship stays healthy. The second A stands for appreciation. Appreciation should be done in public and criticism in private. Unfortunately, most of the times, it is the other way round and even when there is no appreciation, criticism is done very publically. People struggle so much to appreciate another person and often do not think twice before humiliating them. One has to put one’s ego aside and appreciate people for their efforts. The third A is known as acknowledgement. One of the most important needs in human beings is the need to be acknowledged. So many people come to me with problems and I sit and listen to them patiently and after two hours of talking to me, they tell me, “Thank you, Prabhu ji, you solved our problems” and all I had done was listen to them and acknowledge them as real people with real problems. The fourth and final A happens only when the first three As are not acknowledged, which is alienation and this can be avoided by practising the values of acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgement.”
In closing, he discussed how talent is not enough to sustain life but a good attitude can be. “Talent can open the first and second door to success but not necessarily the last one. Beyond a certain point, talent is the most worthless virtue one can possess. There are many things that talent can help with but the day you meet with a problem that talent cannot overcome and if all your life, you have only overcome your difficulties with the help of talent, then you will face the greatest crisis of your life and not know what to do. In relationships where there is talent, there is also a lot of ego and for these relationships to last, one must always have a good attitude. In life, if you are not talented, it is fine but if you have a bad attitude, it will not be fine. A bad attitude is more contagious than a good one, which is why we should keep a check on our attitude.
“Here is a principle that will help you see relationships from a totally different perspective. This is known as the Lens Principle that essentially says ‘who you are is what you will see; who you are determines how you will see others, and who you are determines how you see life’. Our self-image is very important and we must start finding new ways of loving people and learning to appreciate what we already have,” he concluded.